When do you feel guilty?

In the Family version of Do Tell® I included this card, “When do you feel guilty? Give an example,” because I think it’s interesting to hear how different people answer it. How would a mother or father answer this card while playing with their children or vice versa? And what sweet communication and understanding might happen with this kind of exchange?

The first thing I want to say is that I think guilt is one of the dumbest things in the world. It does nobody any good and only keeps us feeling bad about ourselves.

Here’s my answer. I hate to admit it, but I sometimes feel guilty for what I could judge as a “silly” reason.  I might be feeling really good but if I’m around someone who isn’t feeling so great, I might make it seem like I’m not as happy as I really am. As if that would make them feel any better. Where did I learn that trick?

Here’s the last time I felt really guilty. One Saturday morning I called my brother and told him that I would attend a recital that evening in which my nieces were going to be playing the piano and violin. In the meantime, I had a really hard day scheduled, an off-site with a business partner that turned out to be very emotional, and it wiped me out. So I called to say I would not be coming.

When my sister-in-law answered the phone she told me that I would be sorry if I didn’t come. And, boy, was she right! I don’t know what the meaning of her words were but I felt like I had been cursed. I couldn’t make peace with myself for canceling, my brain went berserk about who would be mad at me (and it was a long, long list because I was such a bad girl), I wished that I hadn’t had the off-site and blah, blah blah. The worst thing was that I carried on this way for a couple of days.

Now, I know better than this. All the tools I know and teach didn’t help me much to get back to center. At least at the beginning. But little by little I was able to feel better, to know that I am a good person, to know that I love my nieces and that they love me and to remember not to schedule possibly difficult events on a day when I have other important things to do.

Whew, that guilt thing is for the birds.